The Covenant Review

Well, this is a train wreck that I had an awfully good time watching. It’s a mess of lazy editing, lacklustre acting, and seriously outdated dialogue that wouldn’t be convincing in any era, even the wonderfully odd '00s.

I would have been 5 when this movie originally came out, and I am 100% sure my underdeveloped cranium could create a more coherent and structured storyline. JS Cardone should have stopped his career after creating The Slayer (1982).

The leading man, Steven Strait, as the stone-faced and snooze-worthy Caleb Danvers, lacks the charisma or acting ability to carry any of this film. He is there just to be a pretty face to attract teenage girls. As a teenage girl, I was not impressed. The rest of the cast sounds bored when delivering their lines, causing the first half of the movie to progress so slowly that I would have preferred it if Chase Collins (Sebastian Stan) had murdered them from the get-go.

Speaking of Mr. Stan, he is the gleaming light in this film. By camping it up, he elevates the film from “if I have to watch this for five more minutes, I’m going to slit my own wrists because the abyss of death will be much more interesting” to “maybe this is a comedy?” The random Little Miss Muffet monologue, “I’m going to make you my Wee-yotch!” and the homoeroticism are enough to save this film from the doomed fate of being a BTEC version of The Craft (1996) and me from slitting my wrists.